Rebuttal: Dating an English Major

We now return to our regularly-scheduled Random Friday posts, after three solid weeks of me posting my papers from last semester.

I have mixed feelings about Thought Catalogue. Sometimes you can find some pretty thought-provoking articles there. And then there are articles like this. Thanks to Leslie over at A-Z Books, there’s already been a resounding rebuttal to Erin Cossetta’s “13 Things That Happen When You Date an English Major.” But honestly, I’m a little bored and reading through this list myself made me incredibly angry, and when I’m angry I like to type my feelings out, so here we go.

Disclaimer: I spent my entire undergraduate career as an English major (while minoring in writing), and roomed with another English major for three years. The majority of the people I interact with on a daily basis while at school are English majors or graduate students. I’m now an English graduate student myself. All of the opinions expressed in this rant have to do with five years’ worth of experience being an English major/graduate student and interacting with other English majors/graduate students. Without further ado:

  1. Your grammar in text messages WILL be corrected.

If you’re the kind of nutjob-snob who goes around and corrects the grammar of every single one of your friends’ text messages, they’re just going to stop texting you and eventually you’ll wonder why you don’t have friends anymore. (Psst: It’s because you’re annoying.) Grammar is a fantastic and wonderful thing, but a lot of people like to turn their brains off when they’re not in school.

  1. You’ll discover their “celebrity crush” is Mr. Darcy or Anne Elliot.

Just like Leslie, I’ve got not a single clue as to who Anne Elliot is. Darcy is irritating. The majority of English majors I interact with have celebrity crushes on actual, real-life people, such as Tom Hiddleston, Chris Evans, or Robert Downey, Jr. You know, people who actually aren’t jerks in real life. (Although sometimes Chris Evans is questionable.)

  1. If you ever move in together, forget about having a place for YOUR books. Their bookshelf is already overflowing with rows of books and the more books jammed horizontally above them.

Legit though, this isn’t going to be a problem. The only books my SO currently owns are textbooks. I mean, he reads, and he’s got books of his own at his parents’ house, I’m sure (he lives in a tiny little apartment right now). I’ve got more than enough books for the both of us. And he usually doesn’t keep books around. He likes reading his manga online.

  1. You don’t need to ask them what their favorite smell is. It’s “book”.

Wrong. While there’s nothing wrong with the beautiful smell of a new book, my favorite smell is probably freshly-baked bread. Or whatever baked good I’ve currently got in the oven (like chocolate chip cookies, or chocolate cake, or chocolate chip cream cheese roll-ups…you get the idea). Just because we like to read doesn’t mean we only like the smell of books. (Also, that period needs to be inside the quotation mark. Grammar.)

  1. When you go see a movie you should at least wiki it so you can be prepared to discuss how the film adaptation compares to the book version

I rarely if ever go to see a movie based on a book. The last few movies I’ve seen with my boyfriend have been Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2Your Name, and Beauty and the Beast. While, technically, the last one is based on a book, it’s really based more on the previous Disney animated version. And I cried. A lot. It was amazing.

  1. Your conversations will flow seamlessly from Kim Kardashian to Alice Munro.

I can’t think of a single moment when I brought up Kim Kardashian in a conversation with my boyfriend. I’ve mentioned Alice Munro, but that’s mostly because I was writing a 15 page paper on two of her works (“The Office” and Lives of Girls and Women, if you must know). Tony still doesn’t have a clue as to who she is.

  1. You’ve got a built-in editor whenever you have an important paper or work project you need help with.

Ooh! This is the first thing on the list that I agree with. While sometimes I’m super swamped with things that I’m editing myself, since editing is a super serious passion of mine I’m totally all for helping you with your work. My sister uses me to edit her English papers for her college classes. On the other side, though, my boyfriend doesn’t write papers for his classes (he’s in MIT/IT stuff, hasn’t quite decided which direction he’s going) and he works at Starbucks, soooo…

  1. If you’re still in college, you heavily sigh for them when someone asks, “what they’re going to do with that major.”

He knows what I’m going to do with my major. I’m working my way up to an editorial position, I hope. I’m interning at a newspaper this summer (it’s going super awesome so far!). Tone knows where I’m going in life, like I know where he’s going in life. Plus, he wouldn’t even have time to sigh because I would’ve already launched into a detailed explanation of where I’m going and what I’m doing to get there, complete with charts and a powerpoint presentation, so nice try.

  1. If you’re out of college, you’ve read their college papers. Because they are proud of them!

Tone’s read approximately one paper of mine, and that’s because he offered to do so because I was so stressed and crying about the final paper. He had no idea what was going on, but he thought it was really good. I’m totally not proud of any of my papers, though.

  1. When you see this gif, you know exactly who to send it to:

This .gif won’t load. So there. Besides, I only send .gifs of cats and such.

  1. You’ve had an argument about the Oxford comma.

He couldn’t care less. I’ve got really strong feelings about it. (Also, since I’m interning at a newspaper this summer, I’m using AP Style. Guess what AP Style doesn’t use? The Oxford comma. I’m not happy.)

  1. You thought you knew people who loved coffee, but you had no idea until this relationship.

I don’t drink coffee, have never liked coffee, and I quit caffeine 2.5 years ago and sodas in general back in January. Tony works at Starbucks and is absolutely addicted. Never knew someone so addicted to caffeine before, but that’s him. And I love him for it. (Plus I get free creme-based Frapps when I visit his store, so that’s a perk of dating a Starbucks barista.)

  1. You will go on a romantic date to a bookstore, and they will love it.

Have not gone on a romantic date to a bookstore, but we have squeezed in a quick 45-minute trip to 2nd & Charles before meeting our friends for dinner one night. (Secondhand bookstores are the absolute best.) While I love galavanting around a bookstore, I wouldn’t want to subject Tony to the hours and hours I’d like to spend there. 2nd & Charles is a better choice because at least there are video games and stuff there for him to look at. Plus, you can’t really have a “romantic” date to a bookstore, at least in my opinion. Take me out to a picnic in the park, or take me stargazing. That’s much more romantic than listening to stale muzak or *shudder* Books-a-Million’s Top 40 station on repeat while they attempt to find you in the store via Marco Polo.

***

This really did turn into a rant, didn’t it? Sorry about that. Again, all credit for this rant post goes to Leslie over at A-Z Books, and they are really a wonderful person and you should read their blog right away.

One thought on “Rebuttal: Dating an English Major

  1. It’s so comforting to know that English majors everywhere are not here for the majority of this list. Honestly I love your responses and it was so cool to see someone else take a shot at this post!

    Liked by 1 person

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