…to bring you this important message. Please keep in mind that this was written well past midnight after a really long and stressful day. This is something that I think people need to hear. Please excuse the sentence fragments that I know are about to happen.
I had a realization the other day. A straight-up epiphany. I’d never had one before, and I don’t know if I ever will again. But I was driving from Montevallo to spend the weekend with my mom last Thursday night and in the middle of a long stretch of road, it hit me.
Don’t ever say you’re waiting for someone who thinks you’re good enough. Wait until you find someone who’s good enough for you.
Do you understand what I’m saying?
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
YES. JUST AS YOU ARE.
AND YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO SEES THAT.
I’ve been dumped twice in the past year – once by a guy who was just a few weeks away from becoming my fiance, and once by a guy who stabbed me in the back, both of whom backpedaled on everything we’d ever talked about and made me question my sanity. Both times sent me spiraling into a pit of depression so bad that I almost didn’t make it out of the first one, and I wouldn’t be making it out of the second one if it wasn’t for the amazing support group I found. I blamed myself for everything, because that’s what anxiety does to you. It makes you think you’re the problem.
You’re not the problem. (Well, unless you’re harassing/beating/being otherwise abusive to your significant other, then you’re the problem.) They’re the problem.
You deserve someone who is going to give you 100%, just like you give them. (But keep in mind that some days you’re not going to be able to give it all you’ve got, and that’s okay. Those days happen. But the giving should never be unequal for long.)
You deserve someone who puts effort into things like you do.
You deserve someone who loves you back and won’t nitpick the small things. (No, things like “Please shower more than twice a week” and “Please, for the love of all that is holy, at least make sure I can see your floor” are not small things. They’re problems that need to be addressed.)
You deserve someone who’s there for you even when you’re stressed and crying, who doesn’t come back and say “Well, you’re stressed all the time.”
You deserve someone who doesn’t put their phone first when you’re hanging out, and also doesn’t reply to a text for hours at a time sometimes even though you know they never put their phone down.
You deserve someone who doesn’t compare your sexual assault to you not telling them you bought a hamster. (Short version: he doesn’t know if he can “trust me” about the former because I didn’t tell him about the latter.)
Make a list. Do it right now. You’ve probably had exes. Things probably ended. Write yourself a list of things they never did for you, even though you did those things for them. Write yourself a list of things you want in the next person you’re going to date. And then, for the love of God, take a long look at that list.
I’m looking for, in no particular order:
- someone who understands that I get emotional at times and will be willing to comfort me, just like I’ll do the same for them
- someone who understands there are things in my past that I am still working through, just as I’ll do for them
- someone who understands that I’m not perfect (because who besides Tom Hiddleston is?)
- someone who’s willing to put in the effort that I am
- someone who will do the dishes for me (because I will cook for them)
- someone who will kill bugs for me (because honestly, I can’t do it myself)
- someone who will hold me all through the night and never let me go
- someone who doesn’t renege on their promises at the very last minute
- someone who pays attention to me and not their cell phone when we’re together
- someone who makes me feel safe and loved
- someone who wants to help me grow, just like I want them to grow
- someone who has ambition and drive, and doesn’t just sit in the same place waiting for things to happen to them
- someone I can just lay around on the couch with and play video games, with no expectations of what’s going to happen (some days you wanna go out on dates; other days you wanna just lay on the couch and do nothing, and that’s great but there should be a balance)
- someone who’s got a strong relationship with Christ, and will be willing to help each other out when we falter (because we’re human and it happens)
- someone who, when they say they love me, they actually do
And if someone says you’re picky? Well, you wait. There may be minor things you can compromise on (like dishes) but other things that you cannot (bugs must be killed by him!). Don’t lower your standards just because you’re not finding someone. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that if you lower your standards, you will get hurt. (M1 was a great example of that to me.) There is somebody out there for you. It just might take them a little longer to find you. They’re probably stuck in a tree somewhere. You might have to go rescue them.
I was crying by the time I got home on Thursday. This hit me so freaking hard. Like somebody had taken a crowbar and whacked me upside the head with it.
Do I still love him? Of course. So freaking much. It is a physical ache every day that has not lessened. But I know he’s got some major growing up to do. (Heck, he didn’t even send me so much as a text message when Eowyn died.) I would tear down a mountain with my bare hands if he needed help. All I’ve heard is “Be patient and wait, for this is the man I’ve found for you” whenever I’ve prayed (and trust me, I’ve been praying a lot in the past few months). Patience is the key thing there. He may never come back. He might not be the one. But either way, I have to be patient about this whole thing.
My psychologist told me that the one sure sign that I’m beginning to get better is that I no longer think of that specific thing first thing in the morning. I guess I’m getting better. It’s only three or four days out of the week now instead of every day. It’s a tiny amount of progress, but it’s forward progress nonetheless.
I am twenty-three years old. The majority of the people from my high school graduating class are either engaged or married. All of my friends at the comic shop are married, save one. My younger sister has been in a steady relationship for four years. And I can’t keep a guy around. But it’s not because of me. It’s because they can’t handle me. They do not deserve me. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m jealous, almost constantly. I cry a lot still. I just want my happy ending. I’ve been so close twice now.
I realize this is a hard thing to get through your head. “But Lauren, it really is me,” you say. Is it? Or are they blaming you for things that are beyond your control? Are they making everything out to be your fault? What’s the situation here? Please, get some outside perspective on things. It took a friend telling me “He compared your sexual assault to hamster-uncertainty” (although not quite in those specific terms) for me to realize this. And please, actually listen to those people that you talk to. Don’t dismiss what they’re saying. In time, you may realize that they’re right.
I have no idea if this post even makes sense. I’m just writing and hitting the schedule button. But know that you are not alone. You are never alone.
If you need to talk for any reason, please know that you can always talk to me. I’ll listen, I’ll commiserate, I’ll give you (probably bad) advice. Or I’ll bake you some cookies, if you live close enough. (I just bought some Star Wars cookie cutters…)
You are not alone.
I am not alone.
We are good enough, and I love each and every one of you.
And as always, keep reading.