…and unfortunately in my case, I have lost this one.
I posted on Tuesday about the fact that I had a meeting with my thesis advisor and committee members on Wednesday. Unfortunately for me, while I thought I was strong enough to go into the meeting, I was not.
I spent the whole day worrying about it, and that did not do me any favors. I cried silently the whole way through the meeting, barely able to squeak anything out other than, “I understand.”
I am not going to be graduating this semester.
Each time I say that sentence, it gets a little easier. It’s still a really difficult pill to swallow. I have never been a failure in anything, and being told that I failed to graduate on time (even though it was an arbitrary timeline that I myself set), was something that was even more crushing than I had thought it could ever be.
I know that I’m not technically a failure. I spent the winter so sick that I could barely move. I dragged myself out of bed, to work, and dragged myself back home to collapse into bed and sleep. I was put six weeks behind on my thesis work, and losing those six weeks cost me my ability to graduate this semester.
I’ve really got nobody to blame but myself, as I procrastinated so badly last semester, thinking I could make it all up over the winter. And then I got so sick I could barely function.
I set my own self back, and this is my fault.
But here are my options:
- I do all of my thesis work over the summer and bust my tail to defend at the end of July, and walk in December.
- I spend the summer working and revising my thesis myself, and then spend the fall semester refining it with my advisor, defend at the end of the fall semester, and walk in December.
Either way, this ends with me walking across the stage in December. I have the option, if I defend in the summer, to still walk in May, but I don’t want to do that. First of all, they would write “incomplete” next to my name in the program, and I don’t want that. The only downside to the December graduation is that I will get very few graduation tickets. I think my friends last year got 5. Which would be the perfect number, because it would include my mother, father, sister, Steven, and my grandmother. I would have to fight everyone else to get even a remote chance of gaining extra tickets.
I spent a lot of Wednesday crying. I felt like a complete failure. And I realized I was falling into a depression again. You see, a noticeable sign of depression for me is that I do not want to eat. I have had to force myself to eat the past few days. I just don’t feel hungry. Last time I went through this, I lost ten pounds. I don’t want to do that.
So here’s my plan.
- Find a job. I am applying at every single receptionist/secretary/administrative assistant job that comes across my LinkedIn dashboard, as well as every retail job within thirty miles north of me. My last resort option is to go back to the Books-a-Million I used to work at on 280. I left because management was so horrible I was crying myself to sleep at night. And they won’t really have to train me on a ridiculous amount of stuff, so that’s a great plus there. I’m hoping for Barnes & Noble, though.
- Find an apartment. Since I’ve lived in my apartment for a year, I can continue rent month-to-month until I find a place to live. I want to find an apartment somewhere near Steven, hopefully in the Inverness or Hoover area. I’ve got two places I want to call on Monday to see if they’ll have any openings in May. I don’t really want to sign a lease without a better job, but I need to get out of Montevallo and closer to Birmingham.
- Finish my thesis. I know I’m placing this third on the list even though it’s the most important thing, but getting my life back together at the moment is the most important. Finding a job and finding an apartment and becoming 100% independent is incredibly important. I no longer have classes to attend after this semester, so it will only be thesis work.
- Defend my thesis. I have another meeting with just my advisor this Wednesday, and I sent her an email tonight asking some questions that I would want to talk about at our meeting. I apologized for my behavior on Wednesday, told her what I wanted to discuss on Wednesday, and said that it would give her time to research and/or prepare a timeline for me.
- Graduate, for real. If I defend my thesis in the summer, I will have several months to wait before I actually walk across the stage to receive my diploma. (I guess I made a stupid mistake by buying my dress six months early…and now apparently a whole year early. Along with my graduation gown.) If I defend it in the fall, it will only be a short amount of time before I graduate.
So I’ve got a plan. It’s not the best plan right now, but it’s the only thing I’ve got.
I’m going to try and keep y’all updated on what I do in the upcoming months (still under this header banner!), while still maintaining the small, weekly parts of my blog (because I’ll go insane otherwise).
Wish me luck, y’all, because the months ahead are about to be really bad. Especially May 5. I think I might just stay in bed and cry all that day.
Do you have any suggestions? Let me know in the comments.
And as always, keep reading.